If you’ve only ever had standard vanilla sex but have found yourself fantasizing about kink increasingly often, you’re not alone. Whether they ever act on their fantasies or not, most people have at one time, or another entertained the idea of taking a walk on the kinky side. Many eventually do decide to experiment a little more, often to the tune of excellent results.
But going from being a strictly vanilla pleasure-seeker to enjoying a pleasantly spicy sex life is easier to think about than it is to do. However, it’s not impossible. The trick is to ease yourself (and your partner if you have one) into things a bit at a time.
1. Take some time to see what’s out there.
No, you don’t have to become a seasoned expert on all things kinky before you’re allowed to dive in and give it a try. But you’ll get more out of things with a decent understanding of what’s out there. After all, kink is so much more than just whips and chains.
Are you already fascinated with the idea of something specific – BDSM, group sex, public sex, role reversal, or something else entirely? Read up on it or watch documentaries on the topic. Talk to friends you know are into it or explore a few forums online. The more you know about what you really want to try, the easier it will be to dive into the right spot in the pool.
2. Bring up the topic with your partner.
This step will be easier if you and your partner are already reasonably comfortable talking openly about sex, but don’t sweat it too much if you’ve got work to do there. This is something you’ll want to work on, though, as any level of kink play requires comfort with frank, honest sexual communication.
If you’re unsure how to bring up the topic, just be honest about that. Tell your partner there’s something you’d like to talk to them about but aren’t sure how to do so. Then open up to them about your desires, but frame things from an angle that makes it clear you think this is something that would be great for both of you. Emphasize the fact that kink is about pushing boundaries together in exciting new ways, not “hurting each other” or spicing up a sex life that’s gone stale.
3. Let your partner add their own ideas.
Once you’re done explaining what you want to try and why, give your partner a chance to respond. Make sure you’re prepared to listen and respond with understanding and empathy, as well. Many people, especially those who are very vanilla, don’t truly understand kink and could feel hurt, confused, or scared if a partner expresses an interest in it.
If your partner isn’t interested or ready to try anything you’ve suggested, it’s essential to respect their decision and avoid pressing the issue. And if they’re on board, it’s equally important to let them contribute to the conversation. Encourage them to share some fantasies of their own they might have had. Then segue into discussing practical issues like desires, personal limits, and boundaries.
4. Start small and let things evolve from there.
Even if you’re both super excited about the idea, resist the urge to go from zero to full speed ahead with your kink play right away. (There’s plenty of time to tie your partner’s arms and legs to the bed before pegging them silly in the future if you decide you’re truly all about that.)
It’s better to start small, see how that goes, and step things up a bit at a time. Seriously, start with a nice, firm spanking, a blindfold, or some exploration with a couple of approachable sex toys first. Next, talk about what just happened with your partner and discuss the next steps. The last thing you want is something that’s supposed to be fun to result in a massive panic attack.
5. Check in with your partner.
Again, communication is key to developing a satisfying, mutually fulfilling ongoing relationship with kink. So make sure you keep the lines of communication between you and your partner open from start to finish. Even if you’re only planning to explore something low-key, establish a safe word before starting. Then check in with one another throughout your play to make sure you’re both into everything that’s happening.
And when you’re done, be sure to discuss everything thoroughly. Remember, it’s perfectly okay not to have really liked kink all that much and to be uninterested in exploring it further. Just talk it over with your partner and decide together where (if anywhere) you should take your play sessions next. Ultimately, your sex life is what you make it, and anything goes – kinky or vanilla.
