Consent is a term we hear thrown around a lot these days, and with good reason. In a world where it’s increasingly essential to respect other people’s boundaries and bodily autonomy, consent is talked about in many contexts. However, it’s especially important when it comes to sex.
And the more sexually adventurous you like to be, the more important a complete understanding of consent becomes. Here’s a closer look at what consent really is (and what it’s not), as well as how you can start fruitful discussions about consent with your own partners.
What Is Consent All About?
Consent isn’t just important when it comes to kinky sex, BDSM, or roleplaying – activities where part of the fun might involve language or actions that imply the absence of consent. It’s important when it comes to everyday sex and even hands-off activities like sexting or dirty talk.
Many people make the mistake of thinking consent has been achieved when a person isn’t saying no to whatever’s going on. But in reality, consent requires a clear, unmistakable yes, and you should make sure you have that before moving forward with a particular encounter.
What Should Everyone Remember About Consent?
There’s an acronym you can use to remember all the necessary details when it comes to consent – FRIES. Here’s a breakdown of what each of those letters stands for.
F is for “Freely Given”
Consent isn’t really consent if it’s coerced, pressured, forced, tricked, or coaxed out of someone. It’s something that needs to be given freely in every sense of the word.
R is for “Retractable”
People are allowed to change their minds about whether or not they consent to something specific. The minute they say no or ask you to stop, you no longer have their consent.
I is for “Informed”
Consent is only consent when someone fully understands everything that’s involved in a particular activity. This includes in regard to protection, STI disclosure, birth control, and so forth.
E is for “Enthusiastic”
Anything sexual is meant to be fun, enjoyable, and positive for all parties involved. This means a person who truly consents is genuinely excited to be involved.
S is for “Specific”
When someone does give their consent, it only applies to the specific acts they’ve consented to. For example, someone agreeing to a blow job doesn’t mean they’re also agreeing to penetrative sex.
How Can You Talk About Consent?
Asking for and talking about consent doesn’t have to be awkward or uncomfortable. It can actually be done in ways that are easy, casual, or even sexy. Here are some tips for bringing it up and discussing it successfully.
Ask sexy questions
Everyone knows how sexy it can be when a partner asks whether they like how something feels or how they’d like to be touched in bed. That’s a pretty effective way of asking for consent – checking in with someone as you play and making sure they’re properly enthusiastic about everything that’s happening.
Work in some dirty talk
Remember, consent needs to not only be enthusiastic but continuous. One red-hot way to ensure that’s the case when you’re getting down and dirty is to try a little dirty talk on for size. Enthusiastically telling your partner how much you like what they’re doing, asking them to touch you in specific ways, and encouraging them to do the same is effective.
Openly discuss fantasies
Although not everyone is comfortable sharing all of their fantasies, it’s definitely advisable to share some with your partners. It’s sexy, steamy, and a great way to foster intimacy.
So try describing one of your fantasies in detail to your partner sometime. Then have them repeat back to you – also in detail – which aspects of what they just heard they like the sounds of. That’s a highly effective way of establishing consent before taking steps to bring that fantasy to life.
Start a “yes/no/maybe” list
When getting to know a new partner sexually – especially in a context where you’re hoping to branch out into kink or fetish play – making pointed lists of activities that involve answering yes, no, or maybe is a good idea.
Use your “yes” lists as sexual bucket lists to turn to when you’re in the mood for something new. Set your “maybes” aside for further discussion at a later date. And take “no” items off the table entirely, no questions asked.
Ultimately, proper consent is all about making sure someone is as excited, enthusiastic, and willing to try something as you are. So when in doubt, always err on the side of caution and assume the answer is no until further notice. And don’t be afraid to ask for clarification as needed! Consensual sex is hot sex, so it’s worth holding out for.
