Although anal play isn’t as taboo today as it once was, some people still find the idea a lot more exciting than others. Naturally, that can be an issue in relationships where one partner is totally on board with the idea of integrating anal play into their rotation, but the other is apprehensive about it at best.

If your partner is adamantly against the idea of anal play, there’s not much you can (or should) do about it, as it’s essential to respect their sexual boundaries. But not everyone feels that strongly about it. Many eventually decide to try it under the right circumstances and find that they love it. Here are some tips for cultivating those circumstances in a way that benefits you both.

Start with a conversation.

There are many different reasons why someone might be hesitant to explore anal play of any kind, up to and including anal sex. That said, your partner’s reasons matter, and it’s important to find out definitively what they are so you know what to do next. So get to the bottom of things with an intimate, no-judgment heart-to-heart.

Are they afraid it will hurt or that it will be dirty and unsanitary? Plenty of lube is the key to avoiding discomfort, and a steamy shower or well-placed towel can eliminate any hygiene concerns. Have they tried it before and had a bad experience? If it boils down to a bad experience, invite your partner to talk it out. Figure out what you can do to make the experience you share more inviting.

Start small and take it from there.

Make your partner feel comfortable and considered. Promise them that you’ll take things slow and that nothing will happen that they aren’t OK with. Let them know that if they’re uncomfortable at any point and want to stop, you’ll stop – no questions asked. Then start your exploration on the shallow end of the pool.

Wait for a time both of you are really turned on, as that makes the idea of pushing boundaries or experimenting a lot more appealing. Then gently start exploring their anal area with some light touching or rubbing first. Let them get used to the sensations and see how pleasant they can be for themselves. Then when you’re both ready, try exploring their anal opening with a finger or a small anal toy.

Use lots and lots of the right lube.

The vast majority of the time, when someone says they don’t like anal play because it hurts, it’s almost always because they tried it with someone who either didn’t use lube at all or didn’t use enough. The anal opening does not create its own lubrication, and insertive anal play of any kind will not feel good without something smoothing the way. That’s why having plenty of lube on hand is a must if anal is on the table.

Use lots of it, and don’t be shy about adding more if you find you could use it. You may want to explore the full range of lubes available on the market today, as well. There are ultra-thick, extra-pillowy formulas out there designed specifically for anal play. There are numbing lubes available for people who are concerned about pain, as well, so definitely offer to add these to the mix if your partner has these concerns.

Put your partner in the driver’s seat.

Any time one partner agrees to explore a fantasy or try a new activity for the sake of satisfying the other person, it’s essential to make them feel included in what’s happening. So discuss things beforehand to find out whether there’s anything you can add to the mix to make the experience sexier or more erotic for them, and honor those requests when it makes sense.

And be sure to check in with your partner before, during, and after your play. Remember, consent is sexy. Ask them if what you want to do is OK before you do it, and ask them how it feels once you’ve started. Let them guide the pace of the play. Knowing they’re in control of the experience can make someone a lot more likely to embrace it. Be sure to check in with your partner after your play, as well, to see how things went.

Don’t be afraid to bring toys into the mix.

There’s a lot more to anal play than just full-blown anal sex, and it’s to both your benefits to explore the possibilities. If you like using toys together, consider trying some designed especially for anal play, and open yourselves up to the possibilities.

Anal vibrators shaped like plugs or probes can be incredible ways to awaken all those sensitive nerve endings the anal area brings to the table. P-spot stimulators can be great ways for people with prostates to experience pleasure in a new way, as well. That said, make sure you’re as open-minded to all the options as you want your partner to be! It just might pay off in a big way.